Day 4

Today was our first real hiking day.  Everyone slept well and once the kid got up, I kicked them out of the trailer so they could go outside and have some adventure.  As kids will do, they made up some sort of tag type game and had a blast running around the woods.

The hike we chose was called spud lake trail.  We did it last year, but it is a great hike for kids and not terribly strenuous as we are still having some trouble with the altitude.  It is a wonderful trail that leads up a rocky trail to an alpine lake that is incredibly serene.  As it was Father's Day, the trail was fairly steady with other hikers.  We would pass each other and wish each other a Happy Father's Day.  We reached the top with only minimal complaints from the children.  The lake was flat and mirror-like and the sky blue

This was a perfect lake for thinking an meditating as it is fairly easy to find a spot away from people.  I took the opportunity as Amy captained the children as they took off their shoes and socks and frolicked in the lake that was not too cold.  I found a flat spot under some trees and cleared my head.

Many thoughts enveloped me. Where I'm going, where I've been, people that are important to me.  My thoughts then focused on purpose.  Have I made a difference in this world?  The way I'm put together I have to have a purpose to drive me.  It is difficult sometimes to find that purpose once the growing up part of life is over and the monotony of middle life sets in.  Thoughts of my work crept in.  I had some very tough cases over the past couple years.  Cases that haunt me from time to time.  I suppose I am very hard on myself about such things.  I do not however want to get to the point where I am not.  I think then it would be time to walk away.  I think at the end of the day it is the humanity in medicine that I am drawn to above all else.  You have just a few minutes to make that connection with people.  They are all people.  Once you learn that, the medicine comes after.  Maybe, it can't be learned.  I think the secret is that you must be present in that moment for your patients.  It's really very simple.  I think people can sense it.  I ran through my mind some positive cases over the past year.  One stuck out.  I took care of a woman who was stricken with cancer.  I had seen her several times over a year or so as issues can arise after hours in cancer patients that take them to the ER.  Over this time I had watched her decline as that evil that is cancer took its toll.  It also took its toll on family as that is a tough thing for even the strongest of family units to deal with.  I remember the last day that I took care of her.  The cancer had spread all over her body and she was declining rapidly.  I knew at this time, the fight part was over.  I could see it.  I reviewed her records and I could see that no one ever truly talked to this woman about what to expect.  She had been treated as her problem and not her person.  I went back and asked the woman "Has anyone talked to you about what is happening and what is going on with your body" ?  No one had.  I had a long talk about what was happening.  It was past time for treatment of a problem and the misery that goes along with it.  It was time for dignity and celebration of life.  I discussed hospice with her and what all that meant and what to expect, told her she didn't have to live in this way for what was left.  The patient and family all agreed, and we called a hospice company to the ER to get the process started.  It was as if a weight was lifted from her shoulders.  I crave the humanity and this was the most human thing I could do for this woman in that moment.  I have not seen her again.  I don't know if she is still alive, but I hope I was able to provide her with some aspect of dignity.  We all die.  This much is certain.  We can do so with dignity.

We hiked back down and drove into town for some sandwiches and groceries.  The kids played at a playground for a while and we then headed back to the campground.  For Father's Day, I requested red beans and rice and some fishing.  This went much better today and although we caught nothing we had a great time.  Nate has developed a fear of bears.  He believes a bear lives in the woods outside our campsite and repeatedly asks with a concerned look on his face whether the bear was going to come get him.

It was a good Father's Day.